I ran into Santa on the 87 bus
I ran into Santa on the 87 bus coming home from the dentist today.
At least he was dressed more or less as Santa with a red suit and red floppy hat and answered to Santa when I addressed him as such.
“Hello there Santa, you’re kind of early this year aren’t you?
Well you know I have to get down from the North Pole and all.
What about the reindeer.
They don’t fly except on Christmas. I gunna have to bring Rudolph again this year.
Doesn’t Rudolph have to you know, light the way?
Yeah that’s what he does at night.
And in daytime?
You don’t want to know. Are you just coming home from work?
I was at the dentist.
I hope they gave you something for the pain.
It was just a checkup the pain comes later.
You know I have an elf with a sore tooth. It’s so bad he can’t work or nothin’.
I hope they gave him something for the pain.
They gave him Percocet.
That must be a happy elf!
(black lady with a ton of shopping bags): Ha ha ha. Yep that’s one happy elf. Ha ha ha.
Yes he ain’t feelin’ no pain now. But he still won’t work.
Are we going to be getting messed up toys with an apology saying this elf had a sore tooth and then he was too stoned to work?
No I got enough elfs. Everything is under control. Don’t you worry about nothin’!”
(/me gets off at Teele Square)
You have to have a sense of fantasy! :) :) :)
Copyright © 2012 Henry Edward Hardy
So Call Me Ishmael, Maybe
So Call Me Ishmael, Maybe
I stab at thee from Hell.
Doth magnetic virtue tell
the compasses of all
those ships bring them this way?
I trade my soul for a fish
at last then we must kiss.
I was looking for this
and now you’re in my way.
Your stare was holding.
Ripped skin, blubber showing.
Cold day, wind was blowing.
Where do you think you’re going baby?
Hey I just found you, and this is crazy
But here’s my harpoon, so call me Ishmael maybe.
In ev’ry light, at you lady
777’s a number, so call me Ishmael maybe.
So Call Me Maybe
—
“Moby Dick”, modern edition
Sung to the tune of “So Call Me Maybe”
Copyright © 2012 Henry Edward Hardy
Tasmanian Attorney General decries wallaby destruction of legal opium crops
Tasmanian Atty General decries wallaby destruction of legal opium crops
The Attorney General of the Australian State of Tasmania has decried destructive activity by marsupials against the nation’s opium crop. Australia provides more than 50% of the worlds legal opium.
Attorney General Lara Giddings testified to a parliamentary committee that wallabies are a security problem for the nation’s opium fields:
…we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles.
Then they crash. We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high.
‘Stoned wallabies make crop circles’
Copyright © 2009 Henry Edward Hardy
About Scanlyze
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Scanlyze is an online magazine of essays, commentary, satire, and analysis. Were we half as clever, for inspiration we would take Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce, Swift, Montaigne, or Seneca.
“The men who create power make an indispensable contribution to the Nation’s greatness, but the men who question power make a contribution just as indispensable, especially when that questioning is disinterested, for they determine whether we use power or power uses us.”
John F. Kennedy, October 26, 1963
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