The Online Journal of Insight, Satire, Desire, Wit and Observation

Islamic State hacks Niantic; Pokeclypse ensues

Islamic State hacks Niantic; Pokeclypse ensues.

Tens of thousands of people have died following an ongoing series of cyber-attacks on the makers of Pokemon Go, Niantic.

Mass casualties have been reported at bridges, dams, and waterfalls, with ongoing rescue operations in progress throughout the world. Hundreds of thousands are reported missing, with many lost in underground cavern systems such as Carlsbad Caverns, Mammoth Cave, and Lechuguilla Cave.

Humans have been seen jumping with the lemmings in western Canada, trying to navigate Niagara Falls with their iphones, and drowning in the English Channel.

Massive rescue efforts are still underway, notably to free the thousands still trapped in the La Brea Tar Pits.


Copyright © 2016 Henry Edward Hardy

5 August, 2016 Posted by | satire, scanlyze | , , , , | Leave a comment

Bioshock Infinite is a visual feast but the gameplay is eh

Bioshock Infinite is a visual feast but the gameplay is eh. More specifically, the gameplay is basically Doom with splendid 1910 garb and steampunk weapons and technology. I find myself enjoying exploring and solving such puzzles as there are and not enjoying the tedious gunbattles. The premise for the game is promising, a self-proclaimed prophet builds a modern-day Noah’s Arc, a floating city in the sky like Swift’s Laputa, and secedes from the United States. Now Columbia is a rogue nation state going whither it will after being disowned by the United States following a massacre of Chinese civilians by the flying city in putting down the Boxer Rebellion in 1903.

Cornelius Slate

In Bioshock Infinite, the character Colonel Cornelius Slate sends his men to die a “hero’s death” in combat.

The city is a creepy homage to everything evil in the idea of American Exceptionalism, from the murderous Motorized Patriot, an animatronic-like machine-gun wielding George Washington robot, to the public stoning of an interracial couple with baseballs. Where the game excels is in the art direction and the overall verisimilitude of the construction of the world. Where it fails, in my opinion, is in the introduction of what are essentially spells, the vigors. It breaks the monotony of the pistol-shotgun-machinegun tedium but so stretches the suspension of disbelief. Even moreso the gate-opening ability of companion Elizabeth, which strains credulity. If she can open a gate to Paris at will, why and how is she locked in a floating tower.

But no matter, as interactive fiction, with lots of shooting and gore, the game succeeds brilliantly. And it is worth playing just for the visual awesomeness.

Bioshock Infinite overhead rails

Bioshock Infinite features a series of overhead rails which the characters can hook onto for vertiginous and visually glorious overhead travel between different parts of the Victorian-era floating city of Columbia.

Bioshock is a visual treat, a turn of the century romance and a somewhat garbled science fiction epic layered onto a rich tapestry of religion, corruption, slavery and sin. Worth a look, if not sixty dollars.

Copyright © 2013 Henry Edward Hardy

31 March, 2013 Posted by | Bioshock Infinite, computer game, historical fiction, media, review, scanlyze, USA | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

UN Security Council Announces “No-Fly” Zone over the United States

UN Security Council Announces “No-Fly” Zone over the United States

Geneva November 15, 2011

The United States defiantly announced it would continue its crackdown on peaceful anti-government protesters even as warplanes of a dozen nations in a “coalition of the willing” prepared to enforce a “no-fly” zone over the entire United States.

Speaking for the Security Council after a 13-0 vote from which the US and China abstained by being not present, Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, said:

“Russia is a democratic and peace-loving nation. Nonetheless, the international community cannot permit that the gross violations of human rights and international law by the United States against their own citizens, be allowed to continue. We have seen the arbitrary arrest and detention of thousands of protesters from the non-violent “Occupy” movement, plus numerous documented examples of excessive use of force against the protesters. The continued use of toxic chemical weapons is a clear violation of the 1925 Geneva Protocol on Gas Warfare. The documented use of lead shot filled “beanbags” fired from shotguns at non-violent protesters from point-blank range is an egregious violation of human rights and international law. The US has shown it is unable or unwilling to abide by its own Constitutional guarantees of freedom of speech and assembly.

“Consequently, today we have taken the following actions. All assets of the United States and US-owned corporations and persons around the world are frozen. A “no-fly” zone is in place over the United States and its dependent territories and colonies. We are establishing bases in Mexico and Canada to enforce this zone, including the option, if necessary, of destroying all land, sea and air-based defensive capabilities of the US. The United States has been placed on the list of terrorist nations, and a list of public officials and corporate leaders is being added to a sanctions list. The President of the United States, his cabinet, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff, as well as intelligence officials, are being referred to the World Court for possible war crimes prosecution. Our Spetsnaz forces are on the ground in the US assisting and supporting the dissident groups.”

In response, the US President, Barak Obama, released a statement saying, “The United States is a proud and independent nation. We do not accept that we should be dictated to by an arbitrary consortium of enemies and former allies who think that they can dictate the internal policies of the United States at gunpoint. We will crush these rats, these germs of internal dissent, and we shall never surrender to blackmail by foreign powers. Long live the United States of America!”

[yes this is satire! and hopefully remains so]

Copyright © 2011 Henry Edward Hardy

15 November, 2011 Posted by | media, news, peace, politics, scanlyze | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Here’s to the State of Arizona

Here’s to the State of Arizona (with thanks to Phil Ochs):

May be sung to the tune of “Here’s to the State of Mississippi” aka “Here’s to the State of Richard Nixon”:

Here’s to the state of Arizona,
For Underneath her borders, the devil draws no lines,
If you drag her dusty desert, nameless bodies you will find.
Whoa the fat trees of the forest have hid a thousand crimes,
The calender is lyin’ when it reads the present time.
Whoa here’s to the land you’ve torn out the heart of,
Arizona find yourself another country to be part of!

Here’s to the people of Arizona
Who say the folks up north, they just don’t know respect
And they tremble in their shadows at the thunder of Glen Beck
The sweating of their souls can’t wash the blood from off their hands
They smile and shrug their shoulders at the shooting of a Congressman
Oh, here’s to the land you’ve torn out the heart of
Arizona find yourself another country to be part of

Here’s to the schools of Arizona
Where they’re teaching all the children that they don’t have to care
All of rudiments of hatred are present everywhere
And every single classroom is a factory of despair
There’s nobody learning such a socialist word as “fair”
Oh, here’s to the land you’ve torn out the heart of
Arizona find yourself another country to be part of

Here’s to the cops of Arizona
They’re chewing their tobacco as they lock the prison door
Their bellies bounce inside them as they knock you to the floor
No they don’t like taking prisoners in their private little war
Behind their broken badges there are murderers and more
Oh, here’s to the land you’ve torn out the heart of
Arizona find yourself another country to be part of

And, here’s to the judges of Arizona
Who wear the robe of honor as they crawl into the court
They’re guarding all the bastions with their phony legal fort
Oh, justice is a stranger when the prisoners report
When a Mexican stands accused the trial is always short
Oh, here’s to the land you’ve torn out the heart of
Arizona find yourself another country to be part of

And here’s to the government of Arizona
In the swamp of their bureaucracy they’re always bogging down
And criminals are posing as the mayors of the towns
They’re hoping that no one sees the sights and hears the sounds
And the speeches of the governor are the ravings of a clown
Oh, here’s to the land you’ve torn out the heart of
Arizona find yourself another country to be part of

And here’s to the laws of Arizona
Congressmen will gather in a circus of delay
While the Constitution is drowning in an ocean of decay
Immigrant mothers should be sterilized, I’ve even heard them say
Yes, corruption can be classic in the Arizona way
Oh, here’s to the land you’ve torn out the heart of
Arizona find yourself another country to be part of

And here’s to the churches of Arizona
Where the cross, once made of silver, now is caked with rust
And the Sunday morning sermons pander to their lust
The fallen face of Jesus is choking in the dust
Heaven only knows in which God they can trust
Oh, here’s to the land you’ve torn out the heart of
Arizona find yourself another country to be part of

Copyright © 2011 Henry Edward Hardy

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16 January, 2011 Posted by | Arizona, assassination, politics, satire, scanlyze | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment