So Call Me Ishmael, Maybe
So Call Me Ishmael, Maybe
I stab at thee from Hell.
Doth magnetic virtue tell
the compasses of all
those ships bring them this way?
I trade my soul for a fish
at last then we must kiss.
I was looking for this
and now you’re in my way.
Your stare was holding.
Ripped skin, blubber showing.
Cold day, wind was blowing.
Where do you think you’re going baby?
Hey I just found you, and this is crazy
But here’s my harpoon, so call me Ishmael maybe.
In ev’ry light, at you lady
777’s a number, so call me Ishmael maybe.
So Call Me Maybe
—
“Moby Dick”, modern edition
Sung to the tune of “So Call Me Maybe”
Copyright © 2012 Henry Edward Hardy
US declares ‘War on Love’; France invaded
US declares ‘War on Love’; France invaded
President denounces France, Italy, Brazil as “Axis of Love”
Ann Arbor
2007-03-15 17:41:00 UCT
by Henry Edward Hardy
US President-for-Life George W. Bush today declared war on France, saying:
“We have fought the War on Terror, and been victorious. Today nobody dares to be scared of anything, no matter how bad it may be.
“But our task is not done. There is another, even stronger emotion which represents a threat to our nation. I am referring to ‘loverism’. Our war on love begins with France, but it does not end there. We will pursue the loverists wherever they may seek to spread their deadly loverism.
“He (Jacques Chirac) is what we would call a prime suspect … If he thinks he can hide from the United States, and our allies, he will be sorely mistaken.”
Bush said that military operations against France were continuing as he spoke, although he acknowledged that, “France had surrendered before our troops had arrived,” he added that the French had deployed a secret weapon labeled WMD, or “Women of Massive Doudounes.”
“Our troops are taking hold of the situation with both hands, and we expect them to be victorious before sunrise,” said the President.
Regarding France, Italy, and Brazil, Mr. Bush said,
“States like these, and their loverist allies, constitute an axis of love, disrobing to threaten the war-loving people of the world. By seeking women of massive doudounes, these regimes raise a hard and growing danger. They could provide these women to loverists, giving them the means to match their affections. They could seduce our allies or attempt to blackmail the United States. In any of these cases, the price of indifference would be catastrophic.”
Invest in deadly weapons
And those little cotton flags
Invest in wooden caskets
In guns and body bagsYou´re invested in oppression
Investing in corruption
Invest in every tyranny
And the whole world´s destruction…There´s a war on our democracy
A war on our dissent
There´s a war inside religion
And what Jesus might have meantThere´s a war on mother nature
A war upon the seas
There´s a war upon the forests
On the birds and the beesThere´s a war on education
A war on information
A war between the sexes
And every nationA war on our compassion
A war on understanding
A war on love and life itself
It´s war that they´re demanding…Sting, This War
Copyright © 2007 Henry Edward Hardy
About Scanlyze
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Scanlyze is an online magazine of essays, commentary, satire, and analysis. Were we half as clever, for inspiration we would take Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce, Swift, Montaigne, or Seneca.
“The men who create power make an indispensable contribution to the Nation’s greatness, but the men who question power make a contribution just as indispensable, especially when that questioning is disinterested, for they determine whether we use power or power uses us.”
John F. Kennedy, October 26, 1963
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Copyright © 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020 Henry Edward Hardy.
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